感谢 @dringsim 提供的素材分享
原文地址：Reddit - Dive into anything
所有译文都相当不准确，我在找一个好点的机翻方式
gpt3.5机翻：
总结
一个帅哥在一款约会应用上对我有好感。和他们聊了几个星期后，我们决定约会。他在应用上非常调情和主动，但当我们见面时却不是这样。他承认他以为我和他一样是跨性别男性，我们因为他的错误很滑稽，意味着我没有过目不忘，但以一种愚蠢的方式。我觉得他在见面时突然的尴尬可能是紧张，以比他之前对我调情更含蓄和不那么主动的方式来逗他玩，结果他变得冷漠而疏远了整个约会。等我回到家时，发现他已经在我们相识的约会应用上把我拉黑了。在这个约会应用上被误认为是跨性别男性的情况会再次发生3次，在其中有2/3次结果都是突然失去兴趣，而之前他们还在向我示好。这些人中没有一个是非跨性别者。
我参加了一项针对酷儿族群的自卫课程，学习社区徒手格斗。在这里已经待了好几个月，我注意到我是班上唯一的跨性别女性，但其他跨性别人也在这里，所以我没有多想。今天我留了些胡须，因为早上上课前没来得及刮脸。当谈论那些不真实的动作电影和动漫打斗场景时，我描述了我最喜欢的其中一个，并引用台词，做出滑稽的动作模仿。他们一直面带微笑跟着我笑，直到我在引用中说出“bitch”这个词，然后只对我使用they/them代词的双性恋女性就像我犯了严重罪行一样怒视着我，整个班都像看着一个怪物一样尴尬沉默了片刻才继续进行。我意识到“bitch”并不是一个被“重新领悟”的词。现在上课时我变得很安静，而当我看到其他跨性别女性尝试的时候，她们经常投来失望的眼神，并不会再来上第二节课。我有一种沉重的感觉，如果有一天我利用这些训练来拯救自己的生命，我将被贴上暴力男性的标签，而不是一个坚强的女性。
我正在和一个多年的好朋友发短信，他是帮助我意识到自己和他一样是跨性别的人之一，甚至帮我选名字的那个人。我们喜欢谈论我们共同的兴趣，分享彼此喜欢的情色作品。我们因喜欢的故事、艺术家、角色和特殊癖好以及我们的跨性别经历而结下了深厚的情谊。然而，他不断告诉我，由于“女性社会化”的创伤和对阴道的偏爱，他永远不可能和一个AMAB出生的人交往。他对我的外表或着装给予的每一次赞美都会接着说“但并非出于性欲，我永远不可能和你交往”。今天，我终于鼓起勇气告诉他，他没必要每次都这样说。他无视了我的回应。我们继续聊了一会儿，但他开始花几个月的时间才回复我的信息，而且最多也就是回复一句话。他再也不分享关于他的生活细节，当我问他或者分享我的生活细节时，即使是最平常纯洁的事情，他都把我拒之门外。我不再和他交流。在这次矛盾发生前几个月买给他的生日礼物在我的衣柜里显得尤为突兀。它不适合我穿，但我又舍不得扔掉，只是为了万一有一天我们能和好如初。我因渴望与一个把我视为“施虐者身体”的人建立友谊而感到可悲，我的早期阶段中很多事情都离不开他的帮助。没有了他，我感到更加失落。
我正在参加一场酷儿/跨性别者/非二元性别者的情趣舞会，和一些朋友在一起。我衣着暴露，穿着短裙和高跟靴。我的外表并不太符合传统的女性形象，因此这个空间是我为数不多感到安全和自由穿着这样打扮的地方之一。这里挤满了跟我一样的酷儿和跨性别者，他们都沉浸在愉快的放纵之中，穿得很少。音乐刺耳却让我开心，我感到过度刺激但也觉得活力四射和真实。一个美丽的陌生人走过来，她从舞池对面走过来，优雅而时尚，就像一位现代的加拉德里尔女王，身穿皮革、白色蕾丝和工业风的穿孔装饰，声线非常好。她赞美了我的服装，我也称赞了她的。她告诉我，如果我想看起来像个真正的女人，我需要剃掉腋毛。我的两个朋友站出来为我发声并对她大声抱怨。他们向我保证她只是一个混蛋，女人应该长毛，但我忍不住注意到，她的“建议”只针对了我，尽管他们两个都有腋毛。今晚在此的人们认为对于顺性别女性所欣赏的各种身体类型似乎并不适用于像我这样的女性。我们当中只有我一个人在晚上结束时没有找到约会对象。我现在意识到她很可能是有亲身经历才说出这番话的。她的话仍然伤害了我，但意识到她为了产生这番话所必须经历的种种遭遇比伤害更深。
一位我关注的当地酷儿摄影师正在寻找女性和非二元性别模特进行拍摄。自从我意识到自己的真实性别后，我第一次开始感到舒适让别人给我拍照，并且已经有了一些小型的模特工作经验。参与这样的活动，我可能真的能够有个起步的作品集。我尝试联系摄影师，却被告知他们不需要跨性别女性模特，只招募“女性和出生时被指定为女性的人”。从一个独立的酷儿摄影师口中听到和我在代理机构那里听到的相同说辞，只是用“觉醒”的术语重新打包，让我感到很刺痛。我看到很多我敬仰的酷儿和非二元性别模特参与了拍摄。我不得不怀疑，他们是否知道摄影师对于“女性”的定义并不包括跨性别女性，或者像我在自卫课上一样，他们注意到没有跨性别女性出现在那里，但并没有多想，因为那里还有其他跨性别人。
这是多年前的事了，那时我还是一个“蛋”（对自己跨性别身份尚未意识到的人）。我和我的伴侣在一起已经4年了。那天过得很累，她用一种声音向我提出性要求，我知道拒绝会让她伤心。我早就从她那里学到，男人有着强烈和无法满足的性欲，因此说不意味着我想要发生性关系，只是不想和她发生而已。所以我说了“是”。性爱是痛苦且不令人满意的，我只是努力忍受不适直到她高潮。我感到麻木和受伤。她享受了这段时间但似乎对我没有达到高潮感到难过。我向她保证我爱她。当完成了我的义务后，我们相互拥抱，我终于感到舒适和安全。我们开始交谈。她讲述了今天在街上看到的那些低俗女人，描述她们尴尬的服装、丑陋的风格和不好看的头发。所有我最深处、最压抑的渴望尝试的风格、服装和发型。我转移了话题，问她关于工作和家庭的事情。她问我，如果她变成了男人，我是否还会爱她，我说会。她说，如果我变成了女人，她也会爱我。她那番话中的某些东西感觉像是一种谎言。几个月后，我们分手了，我搬了出去。现在我已经是一个女人了，回想起我们在一起的那些年，我知道如果我是一个女人，那么她会讨厌我成为的那种女人。如果我是一个女人，她对我依然会有同样的期望，就像对待一个男人一样，对她来说，拒绝性关系等同于一种没有个人感情的情绪不佳，而我的拒绝则等同于残忍地拒绝爱。
一个女同性恋团体开始组织一场酷儿女性脱衣舞之夜活动。这是一个安全的场所，供业余表演者展现自我，让女性在远离男性目光的环境中表演和享受性。我在宣传材料和领导团队中没有看到任何跨性别女性，而我已经学会不再视而不见，因为那里有其他跨性别人。于是我没有参加。
我正在和我的心理治疗师交谈。他们也是跨性别者，是一位出色的治疗师，他们经常给予我关于只有其他有跨性别生活经验的人才能提供的见解和建议。我对我需要通过才能穿我想穿的衣服感到痛苦，并表达了对自杀的念头。我感到，除非进行昂贵的脱毛手术和面部整形手术，否则我永远无法感到安全和受欢迎地真实呈现自己。我为这些事情如此昂贵，可能永远无法实现而感到懊恼。他们告诉我我需要处理我的“内化跨性别厌恶”，好像这些感觉不是外在力量不断排斥和使我成为异类的结果，即使是在酷儿空间内部。好像其他人有时在我身上认可的女性特质并不依赖于他们对我的看法一样。
有一本刊物接受来自各类跨性别者的作品，用以记录跨性别经历。该刊物因为没有任何跨性别女性投稿而受到了指责。负责人则表示深表歉意，称他们没有注意到没有跨性别女性寄来作品，并承诺会出版一本以跨性别女性为中心的续刊。我在想是否有人注意到并没有跨性别女性投稿，但由于还有其他跨性别人在那里，所以并没有太在意。我想到了像这样的空间，以及这对他们如何对待跨性别女性的影响，我并不惊讶为什么没有跨性别女性提交作品。
多年来，我的一位最亲密的朋友在我开始异装和尝试使用他们/他们代词时对我非常支持。她给我提了一些建议，告诉我要穿什么可爱的衣服，并带我去购物，还要求我给她拍照。我们曾经一起在年少时发现自己都是酷儿，接受并在敌对的环境中应对这一点，所以我完全信任她。我们关系很亲密，经常向彼此寻求关于人生重大选择和感情关系的建议，互相发送裸照以供评价和向伴侣发送前获得建议，并分享我们最隐秘、最脆弱的时刻。她经常向我请教如何让她的直男朋友尝试后庭玩法和异装，虽然让我有些不舒服，但我并不介意，她是一个值得我忍受许多不适的忠实朋友。有一天，我为我们举办了一次午餐，向她公开了我是一名跨性别女性的事实。我告诉她我的新名字，说明我不再使用他/他代词，并感谢她迄今为止对我旅程的支持。她开始长篇大论，说我改名就是在抛弃我们一起的回忆，是在对我的家人不敬。当她在我作为非二元性别者和性别非符合表达者得到如此支持之后，突然态度大转弯，我感到很震惊。我找了个借口去洗手间休息一下，也给她一些时间来处理这件事。当我在洗手间尽量不让自己哭泣时，她正在打电话。我无意中听到她提到我是双性恋，并且以一种害怕的声音误用了我的代词。她似乎真的害怕我对她有性暴力的意图。当我离开洗手间重新坐下来时，我假装什么都没听到。她挂断电话，说她只是在和她男朋友聊天。我们又聊了一会儿，她解释说“那种手术”很危险，是实验性的，她希望我不要做。我向她保证我不会做，并尽力转移话题，希望她在一段时间后能理清思绪。我感到受伤和震惊，我本以为这是我已经走上的自然道路上的一个自然转变，没想到在她眼中，这竟使我成为了一个令人恐惧的存在，我们认识已经十多年。一个同为双性恋者，突然在我开始表明自己是一名跨性别女性后，将我的双性恋身份视为危险。我向她告别，她以我的原名向我道别，我不愿冒风险与她争辩来纠正她的错误。自从那次见面以来已经过了几个月，我们再也没有见面，她也没有回复我发出的任何信息。在进一步思考她的反应后，我决定出于自己的安全和心理健康考虑，我并不真的想花时间和一个对我的性取向和跨性别身份有这样看法的人在一起，无论我们的历史如何。一个支持我酷儿身份和跨性别身份的14年朋友，竟然在我越过一个无形的“女性线”后瞬间消失，因为在她眼中，我成了一个侵略者和入侵者。
我每天上网，看到跨性别女性受到封禁和骚扰。看到毫无根据的指责帖子称她们是策划者和施虐者，而其他酷儿和跨性别者却认真对待这些指责。看到有证据表明很多我认为志同道合的人内心深处把我和像我这样的人视为值得受到严格审查和监管，以保持“酷儿社区”的安全与团结。我的屏蔽名单越来越长，但一切都依然如故。我珍惜我生活中不参与这一行为的人，并愿意为他们做任何事情，但似乎每一次他们都变得更少。
我发这篇帖子不是为了寻求同情，我已经习惯了这种糟糕的事情，我自己和其他人也经历过更糟糕的事情。我只是为了说明跨性别厌女症不是一些人声称的“仅限在线”问题。即使在线问题不是“真实的”（就像某人喜欢说的那样，“在线即真实”），这也在现实生活中对跨性别女性的待遇产生了实质影响。社区、朋友、伙伴、同事、体系等都会受到影响。这就是我们谈论这个话题的原因。
人们讨论得很多时候都把跨性别厌女症描绘成一种企图恶意分裂社区、诽谤跨性别男性，以及“重新塑造生物本质主义”的在线压迫竞赛。但事实并非如此。关于跨性别厌女症的讨论是有关我们因为自身特质而遭受的对待，虽然与跨性别恐惧和厌恶女性有关，但它是独立的，因为它常常代表了其他跨性别人和女性可以走过的门，而跨女却不能。这影响了我在最亲密的时刻，当我与其他我感到安全的跨性别和酷儿人群在一起时，教会了我需要随时小心管理自己的形象和表现，以免被认定为“男性社会化”。甚至在我向那些对我表示吸引力的人表达自己的吸引力时，我也感到恐惧，因为我太习惯于在回应后被当作掠夺者或被我信任的人利用和抛弃。我害怕在与朋友分享共同兴趣时过于兴奋，以免变得太大声或喋喋不休，从而被贴上具有攻击性的男性社会化的标签。因此我让自己保持沉默和微小，远离我在乎的社区和人群，变得越来越孤立。
无论如何，请不要给那些散布关于跨性别女性谎言的匿名用户提供平台，也不要因为那些抹黑跨性别女性的人“让你感到不舒服”而参与厌恶跨性别者的骚扰活动，也许你应该仔细考虑一下，在你自己的生活中，你对待跨性别者行为的底线是否与你对待其他人的底线有所不同。
原文：（使用powertoys识别ocr）
总结
A cute guy likes me on a dating app. After chatting with them for weeks, we decide to go on a date. They are very flirtatious and forward overthe app, but not when we meet in person. He admits he thought I was transmasc like him, we laugh about it because his mistake is funny and means I’m not passing but in a silly backwards way. I think his sudden awkwardness in person may be nervousness and flirt with him in ways less forward and aggressive than he’d been flirting with me earlier, and they become cold and distant for the rest of the date. By the time I get home they’ve blocked me on the app we met on. This case of being mistaken as a transmasc on a dating app will happen 3 more times, and in 2/3 times it results in a similar sudden lack of interest where once they were coming on to me. None of these people will be cis.
I am in a self defense class for queer people, learning hand to hand combat as a community I have been here months I notice I’m the only transfem in the classes but there are other trans people there so I don’t think much of it Today I have some stubble as I did not have time to shave before the early morning class When discussing unrealistic action movie and anime fight scenes I describe on of my favorites, quoting the lines as I pantomime the goofy moves They smile and laugh along until the word bitch leaves my lips in one quote, then the bisexual woman who only ever they/thems me glares at me like I’ve committed a grevious crime, and the rest of the class looks at me like a freak in awkward silence for a moment before moving on I learn bitch is not a word a clocky bitch can “reclaim” I am quiet in classes now, and when I go I focus primarily on the training, when I see other trans women try it out they often give me a sad look and do not return for a second class I get a sinking feeling that if I ever use this training to save my life one day I’d be branded a violent man instead of a strong woman
I am texting with a good friend of years who was one of the people who helped me realize I was trans like them and even the one who helped pick out my name loves talking about our shared interests and sharing their favorite smut with me. We bond over favorite stories, artists, characters, and kinks as well as our trans experience. Yet they constantly tell me they could never date someone who’s AMAB because of the trauma of being “female socialized” and their genital preferences for vulvas. Every compliment they have ever given me on my appearance or outfit is followed up by “but in a non-sexual way, I could never date you”. Today I finally have the courage tell them they don’t need to say that every time. They ignore this response. We keep talking for awhile, but they start taking months to respond to my messages and respond with a short sentence at most. They no longer share details about their life and shut me out when I ask or share details about mine, even the most mundane and chaste details. I stop talking to them. A birthday gift I bought them months before this falling out happened looms at me in my closet. I cannot use it as it doesn’t fit me but can’t bring myself to throw it away, just in case we reconcile one day. I feel pathetic for craving friendship with someone who sees me as “abuser-bodied”, that so much of my early stages would’ve been impossible without their help. I feel a little more lost without them.
I am at a queer/trans/enby kink dance party with some friends. I am scantily clad and wearing a skirt and high heeled boots. I do not pass well so this space is one of the few places I feel safe and free dressing like this. It is packed with queer and trans people just like me engaged in delightful debauchery and wearing very little. The music hurts my ears but I’m happy to be here, I feel overstimulated but alive and authentic. I am approached by a beautiful stranger from across the dance floor, she is graceful and stylish, like some modern Galadriel clad in leather, white lace, and industrial piercings with impeccable voice training. She compliments my outfit, I compliment hers. She tells me I need to shave my armpits if I want to look like a real woman. My two friends stand up for me and yell at her. They assure me she was just being an assholes that women were supposed to be hairy, but I can’t help but notice how both of them have hairy armpits and yet the “advice” targeted me. The wide range of bodies that people here tonight find desirable on cis women don’t seem to apply to the women like me. I am the only one of us that doesn’t go home with a hookup at the end of the night. I realize now she likely spoke from experience. I am still hurt by her words, but realizing the kinds of experiences she must have had herself to feel her words were kind advice hurts far worse.
A local queer photographer who’s work I follow is looking for women & non-binary models for a photoshoot. I have become comfortable with getting photos taken of me for the first time in my life since my egg cracked, and had a few small time modeling gigs under my belt. With something like this I could actually have the beginnings of a portfolio. I reach and am told that they are not looking for trans women models, “only women and AFABs”. Getting the same line I get from agencies from an independent queer photographer repackaged in “woke” terminology stings. I see many queer and nonbinary models I looked up to take part in the shoot. I have to wonder if they knew that the photographer’s definition of woman didn’t include trans women, or if like me in my martial arts class they noticed no transfems were there but didn’t think much of it because there were other trans people there.
It is years ago and I am still an egg. I am with my partner of 4 years. I am exhausted after a long day. She asks me for sex in the voice that I know means saying no will hurt her. I learned from her long ago men have high and insatiable sex drives, therefore saying no meant I wanted to have sex, just not with her. So I say yes. The sex is painful and unsatisfying, and I simply do my best to thrust through the discomfort until she cums. I feel numb and hurt. She enjoys herself but seems sad I did not cum. I assure her I love her. When we hold eachother after my obligation has been met and I finally feel comfortable and safe. We begin talking. She talks about the trashy women she saw on the street today, describing their cringe outfits and ugly styles and bad hair. All the styles and clothes and hair I yearn to try myself in my deepest and most repressed desires. I change the subject and ask her about work and family. She asks if I’d still love her if she were a man and I say yes. She says she would still love me if I were a woman. Something in that statement feels like a lie. It is months later when we break up and I move out. Now that I am a woman I look back and know from our years together that if I were a woman then she’d hate the kind of woman I’d become. That if I were a woman she’d still have the same expectations of me as a man, that her refusal of sex equated an impersonal not being in the mood but my refusal of sex equated a cruel refusal of love.
A lesbian group begins organizing a queer woman’s strip night event. A safe place for amateur performers to shine and women to perform and enjoy sexuality away from the male gaze. I see no transfems in the promotional material or leadership team, and I’ve learned not to think nothing of it just because there are other trans people there. I do not go.
I am talking with my therapist. They are trans too and an amazing therapist, often providing insights and advice only someone else with the lived experience of being trans can. I express distress and suicidal ideation at the fact I feel like I need to pass before I can dress the way I want. That until I get expensive hair removal procedures and FFS I can never feel safe and welcome presenting authentically. I lament how these things are expensive and may never be accessible to me. They tell me I need to deal with my “internalized transphobia”, as if these feelings aren’t a result of constant rejection and othering by external forces even within queer spaces. As if the scrap of womanhood others sometimes acknowledge in me does not rely on their perceptions of me.
There is a publication accepting works from trans people of all stripes to document trans experiences. It gets flamed for not having a single transfem as a contributor. The people behind it apologize profusely, they say didn’t notice no transfems had sent work in and would do a sequel publication that was transfem-centric. I wonder if anyone had noticed there were no transfems but didn’t think much of it because there were other trans people there. I think about the kinds of spaces I’ve seen like that, and the implications it has about how they treat transfems, and I am unsurprised no transfems submitted.
One of my closest friends for years is very supportive of me when I first begin crossdressing and experimenting with they/them pronouns. She gives me suggestions on cute clothes to wear and takes me shopping as well as asks for pictures. We had helped eachother discover we were both queer as young teens, come to terms with it, and navigate it in a hostile environment, so I have complete trust. We are close enough we are frequently asking eachother advice on serious life choices & relationships, sending nudes for critique + tips before sending them to our partners, and sharing our most secret and vulnerable moments. She often asks me for tips on getting her straight boyfriends into pegging and crossdressing that make me slightly uncomfortable but I don’t mind, she is a loyal friend I would endure a great many discomforts for. I hos a lunch for us one day, and come out to her as a trans woman. I tell her my new name, say I no longer use he/him pronouns, and thank her for her support on my journey thus far. She launches into a monologue about how by changing my name I am throwing away all our memories together and spitting in the face of my family. Taken aback by her sudden heel turn after being so supportive of me being nonbinary and GNC, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom to get a break and give her some time to process. When I am in the bathroom trying not to cry, she is on the phone. I overhear her misgendering me as she is talking about me being bisexual in a frightened voice. She sounds trul afraid that I intend to be sexually violent towards her. When I leave the bathroom and sit back down I pretend not to have heard. She gets off the phone, saying she was just chatting with her boyfriend. We talk a bit longer, she explains how “the surgery” is dangerous and experimental and she hopes I won’t get it. I assure her I won’t and do my best to change the subject and hope she comes around after some time to process things, hurt and shocked that what I saw as a natural shift in the path I was already on marked me as frightening in her eyes after knowing eachother for over a decade. That a fellow bisexual suddenly saw my bisexuality as dangerous now that I was asserting myself as a trans woman. I say goodbye to her, and she says goodbye to me using my deadname, I do not risk an argument to correct her. It is months after the meeting we have not seen eachother since and she has not responded to any messages I sent. After reflecting on her reaction further I decide that I don’t really want to spend time with someone who thinks these things about me for my own safety and mental health, regardless of our history. A friend of 14 years who supported my queerness and transness gone the instant I crossed an intangible woman-shaped line that marked me as a predator and invader in her eyes.
I log online and day after day see trans women getting banned and harassed. Seeing baseless callout posts calling them groomers and abusers getting taken seriously by other queer and trans people. Seeing proof that deep down so many people I consider kindred spirits see me and people like me as worthy of intense scrutiny and policing to keep “the queer community” safe and united. The blocklist grows but everything stays the same. I treasure the people in my life who don’t take part in this and would do anything for them, but it seems they get fewer each time.
I’m not making this post to seek sympathy, I am used to this kind of shit and far worse has happened to myself and others. I just make this to illustrate transmisogyny is not some “online-only” issue like people claim. Even if online issues weren’t “real” (as healed is fond of saying, “online is real”) this has tangible effects in the way trans women are treated offline as well. By communities, friends, partners, colleagues, systems, etc. That’s why we talk about it.
So much of the discussions people have paint transmisogyny as some online oppression olympics maliciously trying to divide the community, smear transmascs, and “reinvent bioessentialism”. That is not what it is about. Discussions about transmisogyny is about how we are treated for being what we are, and while related to transphobia and misogyny it is seperate because it often represents doors other trans people and women can walk through that transfems cannot. It has affected me in my most intimate moments when I was with other trans and queer people I felt safe around, and taught me that I need to carefully manage my persona and presentation at all times lest my authenticity be branded “male socialization”. I am even terrified to express attraction to people who express attraction towards me because I’m so used to being treated like a predator upon reciprocating or being used and abandoned by people I trusted. I am terrified to be too excited about shared interests with friends lest I be too loud or talkative about it and branded with aggressive male socialization. So I make myself quiet and small, and shrink from the community and people I care about, and become more and more isolated.
Anyways, stop platforming anons who spread lies about trans women, stop hopping on TERF harassment campaigns because the trans gal they’re smearing “gave you bad vibes”, and maybe consider carefully if in your own life where you draw the line for a transfer-n’s behavior is any different from where you’d draw the line for anyone who’s not one.
